By Nancy Ford
As this installment of “ What a World” is being written, Donald Trump is approximately midway through his first trip outside of the United States since he’s become president. Whether The Donald is in Jerusalem appalling humanity at the Yad Vashem Holocaust Memorial, in Rome making the Pope grimace, in Brussels insulting the 27 other members of NATO, or back in the Oval Office shoving a Big Mac down his fleshy man-gullet, each day brings a new outrage, a new revelation that leads most thinking people to wish he would just go away.
But at this point, after surviving more scandals than the wildest Olivia Pope-induced fever dream, the man seems to have more lives than the perpetually knocked-off Kenny in South Park.
Whether he is impeached, or he resigns, or is (gasp) reelected to another term in 2020, one thing is certain: his obsession with ratings will eventually return Donald to television. Instead of hosting The Apprentice, maybe he could replace Alex Trebek on Jeopardy—a perfect fit for Donald, considering it’s what his ascendency to the presidency has placed the entire world in.
There are many television series that could achieve stratospheric ratings with even a one-episode guest appearance by him—if that single episode is written right. The key is, you gotta give the people what they want.
Here are a few dark but deeply satisfying potential concepts for must-see TV that would glue viewers to the couch, with or without benefit of popcorn.
Modern Family. Barron, the youngest Trump, becomes a running buddy of the suave Manny Delgado and his dimmer yet more relatable cousin, Luke Dunphy. As a result of this bond with their boys, Gloria Pritchett and Claire Dunphy befriend Melania, and invite the Trump clan to Thanksgiving dinner. When Donald meets the beautiful yet vacuous Haley, he immediately falls in lust with her, and proposes on the spot. A horrified and heavily chardonnay-ed Claire reacts by beating Donald to death with a turkey leg, but is found not guilty of the assassination for reasons of sanity. The ratings-busting episode leads to a spin-off called Modern First Family, in which a grateful nation elects Claire as the U.S.’s first woman president who appoints Mitchell and Cameron asCo-Secretaries of the Interior Design.
The Blacklist. Turns out that FBI agent Elizabeth Keen is not Raymond Reddington’s long concealed daughter spawned from his Cold War-era union with a Soviet spy. Rather, Donald is Liz’s father, creating yet another Trump/Russian connection. Because Liz is already in the FBI, and because nepotism is one of Donald’s top five favorite isms (right up there with sexism, racism, narcissism and fascism), he appoints her as FBI director. In a particularly violent episode, Ivanka is introduced to the prettier Liz, who quickly becomes her father’s favorite. Ivanka becomes enraged and blows up the FBI building,
unaware that her father is currently in the building personally overseeing the shredding of Jim Comey’s memoranda.
Sons of Anarchy. In a spasm of perfect typecasting, elder Trump sons Donald Jr. and Eric become series regulars and somehow try to fit into a world where their business dealings are not always conducted on the up-and-up. In one episode titled “ Father Doesn’t Know Best,” Donald visits the boys and, intent on proving to them that he, too, is a Man of Mayhem, jumps on a motorcycle. He is subsequently strangled Isadora Duncan-style after carelessly allowing his elongated necktie to become tangled in the spokes of his Harley.
Family Feud. As Steve Harvey is fond of saying, “ We got a good one for you today, folks.” It’s the Trumps versus the Clintons in a weeklong tournament of general knowledge. If one family wins five games in a row, they could walk out of there with a brand new car. When answering the question asked of 100 people: “ What brand of necktie is the greatest in the entire world?” Donald suffers a fatal stroke when all 100 people answer “ Steve Harvey.” In an unexpected turn of events, Bill Clinton also succumbs on the same stage when he laughs himself to death.
Leave It to Beaver. This is a reboot of the classic sitcom, but with a significant twist: Donald travels the country to visit habitats of actual beavers—another natural match considering beavers are North America’s largest nocturnal rodent, a distinction many believe perfectly describes Donald. Despite his insistence that he can grab any pussy he chooses because “ when you’re a star, they let you do that,” beavers are not pussies. One fateful night, Donald reaches into the wrong dam and is bitten by a rabid beaver that resists his grabbing. He dies a few days later in a backwoods hospital that does not honor his healthcare coverage.
South Park. This is an easy one. He simply stands too close to Kenny.